A Play of the Making of the Making of the Movie of The Tale of Westala and Villtin.
Or A POT MOT MOT MOT TO WAV - A Play in Two Short Acts

© 2004 Örjan Westin

Dedicated to Eric Jarvis

DRAMATIS PERSONAE:

Writer - a person writing on a computer.

Producer - the enthusiastic producer of the documentary "The Making of The Tale of Westala and Villtin: The Movie".

Director - the involuntary director of aforesaid documentary; a short, plump man with scraggly beard, wearing glasses, shorts, baseball cap and windbreaker jacket.

Divers afpers - interchangeable afpers serving as gaffers, grips, extras, innocent bystanders etc.

Interviewer - afper interviewing Director.

Cameraman - afper with video camera.

Westala - actor playing the tall, blond and muscular barbarian hero Westala.

Spouse - the spouse of the writer.

ACT 1.

[Scene: On the far left is a desk with a computer and chair, facing towards centre stage. Right side and centre of stage holds an office:
desk, chair, visitor's chair etc.]

[Writer enters from left, sits down by desk, turns on computer and starts writing with audible keyboards clicks. He keeps doing this throughout the act.]

[Producer enters from right]

[Knock on door on right]

PRODUCER:
Enter.

[Producer enters]

PRODUCER:
Oh, my. I didn't really... I mean, it's such an honour to meet you, Mr J.

DIRECTOR:
Call me Pete. I spoke to you earlier, didn't I? On the phone?

PRODUCER:
Yes, but I wasn't really sure. So, you'll help us then?

DIRECTOR:
Yes, for two hundred hours. That's how long community service I have to do.

PRODUCER:
Yes, you said that, but I don't really understand. You got sentenced in California, didn't you, so what are you doing here in England?

DIRECTOR:
There was some bureaucratic mix-up. The British government was trying to get some people extradited and someone thought I was one of them. In the end, well, it was just simpler for everybody to pretend I'm supposed to serve my penance here.

PRODUCER:
Well, these things happen. For instance, I hadn't asked the local council to provide me with a director, just permission to use an empty warehouse for shooting some scenes. I had never thought I'd get a world-famous director in the bargain. If you don't mind me asking, what was your offence?

DIRECTOR:
Indecent exposure.

PRODUCER:
In California?

DIRECTOR:
Yes, you wouldn't have thought it possible, would you? I was just walking down the Strip, dressed as I am now, when the police arrested me. The new governor has decided that it's indecent to show yourself at all in public unless you are either a gorgeous female model or a muscled hunk. I hear Danny DeVito has moved to Oregon now. Are these legs indecent, do you think?

PRODUCER:
No. Anyway, now that you're here, let me tell you about our little project. We have acquired the rights to the second largest fantasy book ever, almost as big as the one you filmed.

DIRECTOR:
What do you mean? I thought Warner had that?

PRODUCER:
No, this is much better than that adolescent mush. Strong and cunning heroes, beautiful heroines - actually fighting, and with a lot more screen time than yours, I might add - evil... evil ones, monsters, dramatic landscapes, grubby streets in a depraved city, crowds, humour, sex, romance, drama, action, philosophical debates, magic, sacrifice. It's going to be huge!

DIRECTOR:
Wow. That's not bad. What is it called?

PRODUCER:
The Tale of Westala and Villtin.

DIRECTOR:
Can't say I recognise it. And it's not a very catchy title, if you'll excuse the observation.

PRODUCER:
Obviously, it's a working title. And... to be perfectly honest, it hasn't hit the bookstores yet.

DIRECTOR:
But ...

PRODUCER:
Wait, let me give you the background. This'll play really well with the media. Listen. It's been written on the Internet, on the newsgroup alt.fan.pratchett and...

DIRECTOR:
Oh, I like Pratchett. Hard to make a movie from, though - too much internal monologue.

PRODUCER:
Right, yeah. Anyway. This is kind of a similar vein, but it's not written by Pratchett, but two of his fans, collaborating over the Internet. They've been at it for two years, writing alternating episodes, and it's got a huge following on the Internet. People have been pestering them to write faster, discussing the plot, the events and the characters. It's going to be enormous, once it hits the shelves.

DIRECTOR:
So, what is it about, without the sales-talk to the backers?

PRODUCER:
Well, it's very clever. The guys writing it, Marco and Orjan, are telling a story about these two characters called Marco and Orjan who are sitting in a grubby tavern in some fantasy world, taking turns to tell this tale of Westala and Villtin, who are their thinly disguised alter egos. Every episode starts and ends with these storytellers, talking, eating and bickering, so they're breaking the fourth wall, just like in The Princess Bride.

DIRECTOR:
The fourth wall?

PRODUCER:
Yeah, the wall between the readers and the story, the one we readers and viewers see through but the characters pretend is there. So it's a way of. of reminding us that it's not real, making a statement about the nature of our perception of reality. They're consciously breaking the suspension of disbelief, by pulling back to these storytellers, although you know the story they're telling is true but with the names of the characters changed. Then they resume the story and you're immersed again, and what you forget is that these two storytellers aren't real, that the Orjan and Marco telling the story are not actually sitting in a tavern, but in their homes, in England and Sweden.

DIRECTOR:
So. you have these two, Orion and Mark, putting themselves into the story, to provide a framework for the story they are telling about their fictitious selves /in the story/?

PRODUCER:
Yes! And their alter egos, Westala and Villtin, are telling stories to the other characters in the story.

DIRECTOR:
About themselves?

PRODUCER:
No, but similar people.

DIRECTOR:
How many layers are there, then?

PRODUCER:
I don't know. I honestly don't know. It's so beautifully crafted. There are small, throwaway lines and jokes that turn out to be integral parts of the world and plot, there are so many references to... Oh, I don't know, physics, charlatans, religions, films, philosophy, history, folklore, songs, people. things! They're reminding us that the things we believe are true are just stories we make up to explain the world around us.

DIRECTOR:
It must have been very carefully planned, then?

PRODUCER:
Oh, absolutely. Well, Orjan And Marco claim it isn't, they say that they haven't talked to each other about it at all, that one don't know what'll happen until the other has written the next instalment, and vice versa, but, frankly, that's just something they say to better hide the subtext, to not rub our faces in what they're doing but let us find out for ourselves. I told them just that, saying it's clever of them to realise that people won't believe what they're told by some author, only what they figure out by themselves, and you know what? They still insisted it was completely unplanned!

DIRECTOR:
Well, you know, authors. they can be a quirky bunch. But I have to say it sounds like they're writing for the literary critics rather than the public.

PRODUCER:
No, no! Not at all. Quite the opposite, in fact. Orjan once said... I have a clipping here somewhere. He was interviewed about a screenplay he wrote some years ago, for a science fiction film... "Bugger!" it was called - ever heard of it?

DIRECTOR:
No, can't say I do.

PRODUCER:
Well, it never got finished, for some reason. Oh, here it is. He said "If you're not accessible, if you don't pull people in for their own enjoyment, how can you tell them anything more?" I spoke to him about that, and he used a metaphor from his day job - he's a software engineer - and said that it didn't matter how powerful your program was unless it was easy to use. That' s always the primary concern - that it's accessible. And he says the same goes for the arts. That you should do your damndest to put in extra features, and when writing fiction he means morals, ethics, existensialistic questions and so forth, but only if the basic features works and are easily grasped and intuitive.

DIRECTOR:
I'm not sure I follow that.

PRODUCER:
It's like. Well, the primary purpose of fiction is to entertain, right? In second place comes the investigation of our world, of people, history, society and all that stuff critics are always looking for. But if you don't entertain, you won't have an audience who can discover the secondary things.

DIRECTOR:
Okay, I can relate to that.

PRODUCER:
Yes, it's not a very snobbish sentiment, but Orjan thinks that the entertainment is the most important criteria, whereas he scorns overt messages and what he calls forced originality.

DIRECTOR:
What's that then? Does this mean he's completely unoriginal?

PRODUCER:
Yes and no. He's an engineer, right, and thus loath to re-invent the wheel. What both he and Marco's been doing is akin to Pratchett's method. Take a cliché and run with it.

DIRECTOR:
Come now, Pratchett isn't clichéd, he's a truly original author.

PRODUCER:
No, I see what he means. He says it's like Lego. It's useless to wish for new pieces all the time - the challenge is to build something new with the existing ones. So you take old clichés, stock items and characters, and then you build something new from them.

DIRECTOR:
So this book is an old cliché, even though it's new? Doesn't sound too promising, I have to say.

PRODUCER:
Well, it doesn't, now that you put it like that, but think about it. Invent when necessary, otherwise reuse. But treat those old pieces as if they were brand new - explore their possibilities, see beyond the cliché.

DIRECTOR:
Okay, I'll think about it. But what is it you want me to do? If you've already shot it. Do you want advice on some scenes?

PRODUCER:
Advice, yes... Well, we haven't wrapped up all the shooting, as such. I think I mentioned I had asked the council for the loan of a warehouse? We have a couple of scenes to shoot, nothing major, just extras, you know?

DIRECTOR:
Ah, yes, for the extended DVD version?

PRODUCER:
Something like that, yes. Actually, we're working on a "The Making Of" at the moment. Tell you what - here, here's a proof copy of the actual Tale, and here's the screenplay. Read them tonight and see what you think, and come back tomorrow when we've got the crew here and we can get to work. I have to say, I'm really looking forward to working with you on this.

DIRECTOR:
Thanks. Oh, when are you planning to release it? I'm quite surprised that you've managed to keep it under wraps for so long, that's quite unusual in this business.

PRODUCER:
Well, not having any big-name actors has certainly helped with that, and.

DIRECTOR:
Yes, I know what you mean. But if this thing is as good as you say it is, they'll soon be.

PRODUCER:
That's something they'll have to cope with, in that case, isn't it?

DIRECTOR:
So it'll be released at the same time as the book, I take it?

PRODUCER:
Yes, I think I can say with absolute certainty that one will not come before the other.

[Producer opens door, Director exits stage right, followed by Producer]

[Writer stops writing, stretches and exits stage left.]

ACT 2

[Scene: A makeshift blue-screen is being prepared at rear of stage. Props, weapons, clothes, cameras, rolls of cable, ladders etc. everywhere on stage, apart from the area by Writer's desk, which remains at same position.]

[Writer enters from left, sits down by desk, turns on computer and starts writing with audible keyboards clicks. He keeps doing this throughout the act, until stated otherwise.]

[Afpers enters from right and start talking and working at cross-purposes, picking up things, moving them, taking them back, unrolling cables etc. Very busy, very unorganised.]

[Producer enters from right]

PRODUCER:
Morning, everybody. Did everybody get my e-mail last night? Good. Remember, no sycophantic fan behaviour, nor personal attacks on his works. Treat him like he was just anybody, okay?

[Afpers murmur consent. Director enters unnoticed from right.]

PRODUCER:
Can we get cracking on that blue-screen? I want to have as much as possible shot today.

AFPER:
We're having a bit of a problem with the colour.

PRODUCER:
Why is that?

AFPER:
Well, we've run out of that blue, so we tried to mix it ourselves, and it's not so much blue as it's... eau de nil, I think you have to call it.

AFPER #2:
Duck egg, you mean?

AFPER #3:
Is that what politicians have to do when campaigning?

[A gaggle of afpers, including #2 and #3, interrupts what they're doing and start bickering and geeking about colours, pantone numbers, political anecdotes etc. in the background]

PRODUCER:
What colour is that, then?

AFPER:
A sort of greenish blue.

PRODUCER:
Well, take a digital snap of it and send to David, asking him if it's okay. He should be awake, he usually is at this time.

DIRECTOR:
Problems?

PRODUCER:
Oh, good morning, Pete! No, nothing to worry about, just a little technical glitch. Our CGI guy will be able to work around it without any problems, I'm sure.

DIRECTOR:
Yes, I noticed the screenplay calls for quite a lot of CGI.

PRODUCER:
Oh, naturally! You can't make an epic of these proportions without lots of special effects, and it's both safest and cheapest to do it with computers. Well, you know that. So, what do you think? Did you read all of it yesterday?

DIRECTOR:
Yes, I did. I'm afraid I found the book a bit heavy-going in the beginning, but it soon picked up speed, although I feel I've missed at least half of the references you talked about yesterday. Anyway, I think...

PRODUCER:
Excuse me a second, I just need to organise something.

[Producer walks off and talks to two afpers]

[An afper comes in from right carrying a rock and walks up to Director]

AFPER:
Hey, I found this and thought you guys would be interested.

[Afper drops rock in front of director and leaves]

[Producer returns to Director with two Interviewer and Cameraman. In the background, the blue-screen is being repainted with new colour]

PRODUCER:
I'm afraid I need to go and sort something out. Would you mind giving a short interview?

DIRECTOR:
What? No, that's all right I guess.

[Producer leaves, Cameraman starts filming Director and Interviewer]

INTERVIEWER:
Are we rolling? Good. The background is okay?

INTERVIEWER [to camera]:
I am standing here with a person I'm sure you all recognise, although I bet you're as surprised as I am that he's on the set of a new fantasy epic, not relaxing in a hammock on some tropical island with a banana daiquiri.

INTERVIEWER [to Director]:
So, what made you choose to work on this?

DIRECTOR:
Well, to be honest it wasn't as if I had any choice...

INTERVIEWER:
It was something you just had to do, you mean?

DIRECTOR:
Yes, it was not as if I could refuse to do it, and...

INTERVIEWER:
So, who's your favourite character, then?

DIRECTOR:
Oh, that's a difficult one. All of the main characters are quite interesting, as they start out by giving an impression of being a cliché, but as the story unfolds you get to see new sides of them. I think Westala is one of my favourites - the way he pretends to be stupid but really isn't, his simple way of seeing things. He's a very unassuming character, but with an enormous inner strength and surprising gentleness.

INTERVIEWER:
Did you spend a long time thinking over the script before coming here?

DIRECTOR:
No, I read both the book and the screenplay in one single evening, the same day I got them...

INTERVIEWER:
Not something you felt you could put down, I take it?

DIRECTOR:
Well, no...

INTERVIEWER:
A final question, then. What were your spontaneous thoughts about the script?

DIRECTOR:
To be honest, I was just amazed that somebody would want to film it. It's not very well structured and the pacing is very uneven. Some scenes seems to have been put in just for a gag that isn't really worth the bother and...

INTERVIEWER:
Thank you, but we'll have to break there.

[Producer returns to Director, afpers leave]

INTERVIEWER [quietly to Cameraman]:
That went surprisingly well, I think. We'll just have to cut it after "I was amazed" in the last part and it's perfect.

PRODUCER:
Oh, where did you find this nice rock?

DIRECTOR:
What? Well, somebody just came in and dropped it here.

PRODUCER:
Great, we can use that in this scene. [Shouts] Westala!

DIRECTOR:
Which scene is that?

PRODUCER:
The flashback scene we put into the screenplay, with Westala and Villtin in the cave with the spider demons.

DIRECTOR:
Ah, yes, here it is. Haven't you shot that already?

PRODUCER:
Um. Well, we're trying some alternatives...

[Westala appears]

PRODUCER:
And here's our hero. Now, take this rock and put it about a yard from the left edge of the bluescreen, then get ready for this scene.

DIRECTOR:
Where's Villtin, then? He's in this scene too.

PRODUCER:
Oh, ah, we're trying a different kind of... Only Westala is in this scene... Excuse me.

[Producer talks to Cameraman who sets up a camera, Westala, and some afpers by the edge of the bluescreen]

PRODUCER:
And action!

PRODUCER (to Director):
We're putting the sound in later, so we don't have to worry about it here... Now, let's see...

[Westala comes into the bluescreen from the left, slowly and warily with sword in hand. When he reaches the rock, a line of blocky white cardboard spiders come down from above, moving jerkily across the bluescreen over Westala's head.]

DIRECTOR:
What the hell is that? Space Invaders?

[Westala starts hitting the cardboard cutouts with his sword]

PRODUCER:
Well, they're just to give him something to aim for. David, our CGI guy will replace them with real spiders, as well as put in damp cave walls and...

[The line of "spiders" wobbles and falls down on Westala who drops his sword.]

DIRECTOR:
But, you can't be serious! You can't work like this! Are you telling me you've filmed the whole thing in this manner?

PRODUCER:
Ah. well, you see... to be perfectly honest, this is the first thing we're filming...

DIRECTOR:
What! How can you make a "Making of" without having made anything?

PRODUCER:
We thought we'd do one to create interest. We were kind of hoping we could get some backing, and...

DIRECTOR:
There is no film?

PRODUCER:
Not as such, no, but...

DIRECTOR:
And the book will never be published, will it?

PRODUCER:
If we could sell it as a tie-in to the film, maybe...

DIRECTOR:
So you are just crazy amateurs without any idea at all what it takes to produce a film?

PRODUCER:
Well, kind of, but we have loads of great ideas...

DIRECTOR:
You're all mad!

SPOUSE, from left wing:
Honey, what are you doing?

[Everybody freezes completely, including Writer.]

[Writer shrugs and resumes writing. Everybody else continues with what they're doing.]

[Knock on door on left. Everybody freezes again, apart from Writer]

WRITER:
Yes?

[Spouse enters from left.]

SPOUSE:
I asked what you were doing?

WRITER:
Oh, just writing.

SPOUSE:
That play thingie you told me about yesterday?

WRITER:
Yes.

SPOUSE:
You know, I still don't think it's funny. But while I'm here, I want to talk to you about this room. You said you'd redecorate it weeks ago. And you said it was only three walls, since the door and window didn't count, but look, there's at least two lengths off wallpaper beside the door here, and the window isn't that big, anyway. So that's one, two, three...

[Spouse knocks the "wall" towards the audience]

SPOUSE:
... four walls. And this fourth wall really needs repairing, too. You can almost see through it.

WRITER:
Yes, almost.

SPOUSE:
So, I think you should come go to bed now, as it is getting late. Then you can move your desk and stuff early tomorrow and start fixing that wall. You have the whole weekend, and it never takes that long for the guys on the telly. Okay?

WRITER:
But...

SPOUSE:
No, I know you. You'll just disappear in some world of your own if I let you. Come on, I promise I'll let you sit and make up stories when you've fixed up your little hideout, okay?

WRITER:
Well, okay.

SPOUSE:
There's a good boy!

[Spouse exits left. Writer looks at frozen tableau and turns the computer off. Lights out.]

The End

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